Frank Vincent Zappa... The Maestro

i dunno what's wrong with me, but any time i stop on a channel and try to listen to a politician, official or media pundit, this is all i hear.

She made a bet with her sister who's a little bit dumb, she could prove at any time all men were scum.

I don't mind that you called me a bum, but I knew right away she was really gonna cuuum... so I got down to it....

lordoflight wrote:It's like getting slapped on the ass by a dominatrix may be painful. But it offers so much more.

note: you cannot know what's going on here unless you listen to the whole album. Do it, it's one of the best concept albums Frank ever composed. Absolutely brilliant.



Fun fact: I smoked a joint with the narrator (not harry or rhonda) behind a club is Asheville years ago. Ike Willis.

Fuck it, I'll even deliver it for you:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqMraAddy1go6U-KtOwa2NKCJiVg05IJ8

Edit. I switched the above sample song two posts up, thinking it better represented the theme of the lordoflight quote... but then switched it back, realizing it didn't. Just listened to the whole album again... it's been three years since. Switched the song before it was over, caught the mistake, and switched it back. This note is for those who may have played the WRONG one. You want 'briefcase boogie'.....

Ah shit... okay, maybe 'drop dead' IS better, but the song is very long. Go to 5:15 then....

while on tour in europe, the band experienced all kinds of problems with hotel service and management. one such experience became an improvisational satire that would be added to the band's set list whenever they played in europe...

defenders of the earf wrote:i’m done. humanity is fucked, there is no stopping it. i’m done caring about this scum fucking piece of shit culture anymore. it can rot in the fucking hell it made for itself.

https://vocaroo.com/i/s1faQhtZJqzt

The planet of my dreams
The earth, my earth
Is bulging at the seams
The earth, my earth
It's full of many schemes
And as the sunlight beams
The glory of our sciences
And militant alliances
Reveal their basic worth
Along the mounds of dead appliances!
The planet of my dreams
The earth, my earth
I hear it's muffled screams
The earth, my earth
And though it often seems
From televison beams
That ignorance is rampant there
And governmental goons don't care
I know that I shall not despair
And cheat like all the rest
I'll just keep on
With what I do the best!
Cheat-cheedly-cheat! go ahead!
I can't do it!
Cheat-cheedly-cheat! go ahead!
I can't do it!
Cheat-cheedly-cheat! go ahead!
I can't do it!
Cheat-cheedly-cheat! go ahead!
I can't do it!

Two of your favorites from the 'Apostrophe' album.

Excentrifugal Forz: https://vocaroo.com/i/s1AV7TqgEFO9

The clouds are really cheap
The way I seen 'em thru the ports
Of which there is a half-a-dozen
On the base of my resorz
You wouldn't think I'd have too many
Since I never cared for sports
But I'm never really lonely
In my Excentrifugal Forz

There's always Korla Plankton
Him 'n me can play the blues
An' then I'll watch him buff that
Tiny ruby that he use
He'll straighten up his turban
An' eject a little ooze
Along a one-celled Hammond Organism
Underneath my shoes
An' then I'll call PUP TENTACLE
I'll ask him how's his chin
I'll find out
How the future is
Because that's where he's been
His little feet got long 'n flexible
An' suckers fell right in
The time he crossed the line
From LATER ON to WAY BACK WHEN

Father Vivian O'Blivion: https://vocaroo.com/i/s0xJMmhGIqJj

Get on your feet an' do the funky Alfonzo!
Father Vivian O'Blivion
Resplendent in his frock
Was whipping up the batter
For the pancakes of his flock
He was looking rather bleary
(He forgot to watch the clock)
'Cause the night before
Behind the door
A leprechaun had stroked, yup . ..
The night before
Behind the door
A leprechaun had stroked (he stroked it) . . .
The night before
Behind the door
A leprechaun had stroked . . . his . . .
Sma-ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah
Ahhh (stroked his smock)
Which set him off in such a frenzy
He sang LOCK AROUND THE CROCK
An' he topped it off with a . . .
An' he topped it off with a . . .
An' he topped it off with a . . .
WOO WOO WOO
WOO WOO WOO
WOO WOO WOO
As he stumbled on his [?]
He was delighted as it stiffened
And ripped right through his sock
Oh, Saint Alfonzo would be proud of me

He shouted down the block

Dominus Vo-bisque 'em
Et come spear a tu-tu,
Oh!
Won't you eat my sleazy pancakes
Just for Saintly Alfonzo
They're so light 'n fluffy-white
We'll raise a fortune by tonite
They're so light 'n fluffy-white
We'll raise a fortune by tonite
They're so light 'n fluffy-brown
They're the finest in the town
They're so light 'n fluffy-brown
They're the finest in the town
Good morning, your Highness
Ooo-ooo-ooo
I brought you your snow shoes
Ooo-ooo-ooo
Good morning, your Highness
Ooo-ooo-ooo

https://vocaroo.com/i/s1IzEYtfWxaR

Out in cucamonga
Many years ago
Near a holy roller church
There was once a place
Where me and a couple of friends
Began practicing for a time
We might go

[...]

on tv
And as fate would have it
Later on we got a chance to play

All we ever really knew

That it was crazy
To be doin' it any other way
Yes it was crazy, crazy...

... yes indeed, here we are, at saint alphonso's pancake breakfast...

... where I stole the margarine...

ruth underwood demonstrates the rollo interior:

this is wonderful. i'm so proud of this father i'd almost send the dude a thank-you card on frank's behalf. now of course the girls are just having fun and aren't able to grasp what a brilliant song this is. the assault on that nauseatingly shallow happiness that was so earnestly expressed by the naive generations from the early sixties, couldn't be done better. even the melody perfectly captures the emerging fusion elements that were evolving out of the standard rock-n-roll of that decade. listen to that walking bass-line. if one bass-line had to condense all the popular media from the early sixties - the new corny sitcoms, the mind numbing pop rock-n-roll, the porno (girls in bell bottoms with reddish-bronze foundation, hair parted directly down the middle, and enormous bushes), and what was to split away from the direction of jazz fusion to become disco - it would be this one. the 'do-it-all' bass-line that portrays an entire age. frank wasn't just a composer, but an archaeologist as well.

but did you get it? no, i'm afraid you didn't. when the verse is repeated the second time; 'let me take you to the beach again?' what's being said indirectly here? he's drawing attention to how lame lyrical music is in general, not to mention how often verses are repeated because the song writer can't think of anything else to say or just needs filler material to drag out the song to the desired four minute length so he can fill up the album.

i hope frank's music isn't lost on these girls as they get older, but i'm sure it will be. the forces of the mainstream garbage on the radio are just too strong. they'll have to be a bit exceptional to retain an interest and grow fond of his music; to be able to recognize and understand the genius behind it.  



the whole song:

^^^ oh wait! I should repost the creative writing bit I did for this song, huh? I set the whole studio 54 scene pretty well, if I do say so myself. rhonda, tony, barry and jenny are on a quest to find that great disco ball in the sky and dance with drug induced, depraved abandon beneath it....

"look at that line!," Rhonda shouted over the Bee Gees' 'jive talkin' that blasted from the chevy convertable's speakers. "what a drag!," she said, standing up in the backseat to get a better view. the chevy slowly cruised down the blvd and past studio 54... Tony was looking for a place to park.

"hey, don't worry about it... i know the bouncer," assured Barry confidently as he adjusted his polyester shirt, unbottoning the top two buttons.

"sure barry, sure you do," retorted Tony. "the last time you said that, we stood in line for an hour at the flamingo club." he pulled from his Salem menthol one-hundred and passed it to Jenny who was siting beside him, primping her hair in the mirror.

"hey Rhonda, cut out a few lines for us before we go in, yeah?," said Tony as he looked over at Jenny beside him. he was groovin' to the music... his head bopping back and forth.

a buick laid on the horn as the chevy swerved a little into the other lane.

Barry shrieked. "jesus Tony, watch where yuh goin', will yuh!? Yer gonna get us all killed!"

Tony ignored Barry's concern and squeezed Jenny's thigh as she applied eyeliner. "cut it out Tony... yuh gonna make me mess up muh face," Jenny protested, pushing Tony's hand away. Rhonda was in the back cutting lines out on a KC and the Sunshine Band album jacket now, with her credit card.

"Man this is gonna be great... I can't wait to try out my new moves on the floor,' declared Barry shifting in his seat and simulating one of his dance moves. he bumped Rhonda's elbow. she dropped the straw and looked up.

"godammit Barry!" "aw shit, Rhonda, I'm sorry." Jenny peered over the front seat at Rhonda, who now had coke smudged all over her nose. she burst out laughing, then blew an enormous bubble with her chewing gum. "christ Barry, watch what yuh doin'!"

"hey Rhonda, pass that up here already... we're almost there," Tony ordered as he pulled into a parking lot and starting looking for a spot. a colorful crowd of club patrons were walking toward the street. a black midget dressed in a polyester suit with an afro the size of a basketball moved past the car. "hey man is that a 68?" "sure is," replied Tony, turning down the radio. 'stayin' alive' was now playing. "man that's far out!"

the midget shot Tony a thumbs up, spun around on one heel, and continued walking.

the car was parked and Barry jumped out of the back seat. "wooo hooo!," he shouted and gave Tony five. Jenny was finishing up her line and passed the coke to Tony. "Come on you guys, let's go!," shouted Barry enthusiastically. Rhonda had cleaned the coke off her nose and was now straightening her skirt as she stepped out of the car.

they started walking toward studio 54, Tony with his arm around Jenny. "hey Rhonda... yuh gonna dance with me," asked Barry as they rounded the corner. again he was practicing his moves... shuffling from side to side. "yeah right, Barry," replied Rhonda sarcastically. "yuh the worst dancer i ever seen."

Tony and Jenny starting laughing as Rhonda rolled her eyes.

Barry was a guy who loved to have fun, and tonight was his night. he'd always dreamed of being a famous dancer and had practiced every night for months. studio 54 was the place to be. "you guys keep laughing... I don't care... you'll see. you're just jealous yuh can't dance like me!"

as it turned out, Barry did know the bouncer, and they got to the front of the line. they were admitted through the door, found a table, and ordered drinks. fifteen minutes later they were ready to go... Barry leading the way. the crowd parted as he cut his way to the floor... the disco ball beckoning him like a light from god.

Barry went straight to the middle of the floor, leaped into the air, landed in a full split, and ripped the crotch of his pants. the crowd gasped and cheered in amazement, clapping their hands to the rhythm of 'disco fever' that blared over the dance floor.

Barry paid no attention to the minor inconvenience of his now ripped pants, jumped back up, and immediately began doing the hustle... everyone following his lead. he owned the floor, there was no doubt about it. Barry was a dancin' fool.

... we're not quite done with barry just yet. This one should do it, though. As they say in mortal combat; finish him!!

I tried to do this one too but I had to get so close to the mic (because of the hilariously low bass vocals), my vocals drowned out frank's, which shall not be permitted under any circumstances...



Disco Boy
Run to the toilet, honey,
Comb your hair

Disco Boy
Pucker yer lip,
'N check yer shoulder,
'Cause some dandruff might be
Hidin' there!

Disco Boy,
You're the DISCO KING!
Aw, the Disco-Thing
Made you think
Someday,
That you
Just might GO SOMEWHERE!

Disco Girl!
You're 'out-a-site'!
You need a Disco Boy
To treat you right
He'll do a little dance;
Take you home tonight
(Leave his hair alone,
But you can kiss his comb)

Disco Boy!
Run to the toilet boy,
'N comb your hair

Disco Boy!
Shake it more than three times 'n yer playin' with it
(WOW!)
While yer standin' there!
(Well . . . )

Disco Boy!
Do the Bump every night, 'til the Disco Girl
Who's REALLY RIGHT
Gonna fall for yer line,
'N feed you a box fulla
Chicken Delight!

Disco chit-chat; so demure!
Pump that booty all across the floor!
A disco drink
A disco wink
"You never go doody!"
(That's what you think)
"You never go doody!"
(That's what you think)
"You never go doody!"
(That's what you think)

Doody
Ah, go doody
Doody
You never go doody
Doody
You never go doody
Doody
You never go doody
Doody
You never go doody
Ah, baby, doody
No doody
Doody
Ah, baby, doody

Disco Boy!
You got one more chance
To comb your hair again

Disco Boy!
They're closin' the bar,
And she's leavin' with your friend!

Disco Boy,
That's the way it goes,
So wipe your nose,
'N try it again,
To get a little laid tomorrow!

Disco Boy,
No one understands,
But thank THE LORD
That you still got hands
To help you do that jerkin' that'll
Blot out yer Disco Sorrow!

It's Disco Love tonight
Make sure you look all right
It's Disco Love tonight
Make sure you look all right

https://vocaroo.com/i/s0QjXSiF0MQi

Now believe me when I tell you that my song is really true
I want everyone to listen and believe
It's about some little people from a long time ago
And all the things the neighbors didn't know

Early in the morning, Daddy Dinky went to work
Selling lamps and chairs to San Ber'dino squares
And I still remember Mama with her apron and her pad
Feeding all the boys at Ed's Cafe

Whizzing and pasting and pooting through the day
Ronnie helping Kenny, helping burn his poots away
And all the while on a shelf in the shed
Kenny's little creatures on display

Ronnie saves his pneumies on a window in his room
A marvel to be seen, dysentery green
While Kenny and his buddies had a game out in the back
Let's make the water turn black

We see them after school in a world of their own
To some it might seem creepy what they do
The neighbors on the right sat and watched them every night
I bet you'd do the same if they was you

Whizzing and pasting and pooting through the day
Ronnie helping Kenny, helping burn his poots away
And all the while on a shelf in the shed
Kenny's little creatures on display

Ronnie's in the army now and Kenny's taking pills
Oh, how they yearn to see a bomber burn
Color flashing, thunder crashing, dynamite machine
Wait till the fire turns green
Wait till the fire turns green
Wait till the fire turns green

we would now like to do a brief study of the politics of identity crisis in capitalist/consumerist america as it undergoes the rapid multicultural changes now taking place. i will be playing the part of our narrator and team-leader, THING-FISH, and the distinguished SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON, the subject of our study.

https://vocaroo.com/i/s1HM2HIqNOEh

THING-FISH: (displaying Dummy #1) Straighten up in that chair and pay attentium. People, this is for your own good. Do you know what you are?

ENSEMBLE: Do you know what you are?

THING-FISH:
Dat what I ast ya!

ENSEMBLE:
You are what you is You is what you am

THING-FISH:
And DAT de trufe!

ENSEMBLE:
(A cow don't make ham...)

THING-FISH:
I meant dat now!

ENSEMBLE:
You ain't what you're not

THING-FISH:
Not even hardly...

ENSEMBLE:
So see what you got

THING-FISH:
And you got a lot o' lookin' t'do, junior!

ENSEMBLE:
You are what you is

THING-FISH:
Dat entirely TOO CORRECT!

ENSEMBLE:
An' that's all it 'tis!

THING-FISH:
Uh-HUHHHH!

ENSEMBLE:
A foolish young man

THING-FISH:
Bring dat dummy ovuh heah 'n show it to 'em!

ENSEMBLE:
Stashed away in SAN QUENTIM Ate de mys'try potatoes

THING-FISH:
Told ya 'bout dem 'taters!

ENSEMBLE:
EVIL PRINCE was inventin' Now he talk like de THING-FISH

THING-FISH: (manipulating the dummy)
("Hmmmm, Saffiiiee!")

ENSEMBLE:
An' he look like a MAMMY!

THING-FISH: (manipulating the dummy)
("See de mammy, now! See de mammy, now!")

ENSEMBLE:
His fav'rit CO-LOG-NUMM...

THING-FISH:
Smell like...

(Chitlins!)

ENSEMBLE:
Is de one dey call 'SAMMY'!

THING-FISH:
One-Adam-Twelve...see de mammy...

ENSEMBLE:
He finally layin'

THING-FISH:
Armed 'n dangerous, reproach wit cautium!

ENSEMBLE:
De whole thang down, 'Cept de NIVEA LOTIUM!

THING-FISH:
Rub it on good, now!

ENSEMBLE:
An de ROYAL CROWN!

THING-FISH:
Take good care o' dat "ASH"!

ENSEMBLE:
Do you know what you are?

THING-FISH:
You's a wimp...she's a shrew!

ENSEMBLE:
You are what you is

THING-FISH:
Got dat?

ENSEMBLE:
You is what you am

THING-FISH:
One-Adam-Twelve, see de mammy agin'!

ENSEMBLE:
(A cow don't make ham...)

THING-FISH:
And it never will...

ENSEMBLE:
You ain't what you're not,

THING-FISH:
Unless SCIENCE do somethin' 'bout it!

ENSEMBLE:
So see what you got!

THING-FISH:
I KNOW dey woikin' on it...

ENSEMBLE:
You are what you is,

THING-FISH:
Underneath VIRGINIA!

ENSEMBLE:
An' that's all it 'tis!

THING-FISH:
BOOG-BOOGMMM, Dano..."MAMMY ONE"!

ENSEMBLE: (showing Dummy #2)
A foolish young man
Of de negro persuasion
Devoted his life
To become a caucasian
He stopped eating pork
He stopped eating greens
He trade his dashiki

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON: (manipulating the dummy)
("Uhuru!")

ENSEMBLE:
For some Jordache Jeans!

He learned to play golf
An' he got a good score
Now he says to himself:
"I AIN'T NO..."

THING-FISH:
"NIGNINT!"

ENSEMBLE:
NO MORE...HEY! HEY! HEY!"

THING-FISH:
One-Adam-Twelve, see de "NIGNINT" wit knife... proceed wif cautium...knife may be open...

ENSEMBLE:
BWANA MA-COO-BAH

HARRY:
All Right! Let's go!

ENSEMBLE:
MERCEDES BAINNNZZZZZ!

ENSEMBLE:
Who is who?

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON: (singing)
I don't know...

ENSEMBLE:
'N what is what

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
Somethin' I just don't know...

ENSEMBLE:
'N why is this

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
Tell me now...

ENSEMBLE:
Appropriot

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
That's a funny pronunciation, If'n ever I heard one!

ENSEMBLE:
If you don't like

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
Where'd you get that word?

ENSEMBLE:
What you has got

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
Appropriot? The word is not!

ENSEMBLE:
Drop it in the dirt

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
Drop it, yeah!

ENSEMBLE:
'N let it rot

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
I can smell it now!

ENSEMBLE:
Someone else

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
Here de come, here de come!

ENSEMBLE:
Will surely come

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
I told you he was comin'!

ENSEMBLE:
'N pick it up

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
That's right!

ENSEMBLE:
'Cause he wants some

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
An' he wants it for free!

ENSEMBLE:
And when one day

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
There will come a day!

ENSEMBLE:
You wonder who

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
I wonder too!

ENSEMBLE:
You used to was

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
Who I was, anyway!

ENSEMBLE:
'N what you do

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
I... I used to work at the post office!

ENSEMBLE:
You'll scratch your head

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
But I don't wanna un-do my doo!

ENSEMBLE:
'N look around

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
To see what's goin' on!

ENSEMBLE:
But what you lost

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
Can't seem to find it!

ENSEMBLE:
Will not be found

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
A Mercedes Benz!

ENSEMBLE:
Do you know what you are?

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
I know!

ENSEMBLE:
You are what you is

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
I'm the kinda guy...

ENSEMBLE:
You is what you am

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
That ought to be drivin'

ENSEMBLE:
A cow don't make ham

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
A four-fifty SLC...

ENSEMBLE:
You ain't what you're not

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
A big ol' RED ONE!

ENSEMBLE:
So see what you got

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
With some golf clubs stickin' out de trunk!

ENSEMBLE:
You are what you is

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
I'm goin' down to de links on Saturday mornin'!

ENSEMBLE:
An' that's all it is

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
Gimme a five dollar bill!

ENSEMBLE:
YOU ARE WHAT YOU IS

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
And an overcoat too...

ENSEMBLE:
AN' THAT'S ALL IT IS

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
Where's my waitress, yeahhhh!

ENSEMBLE:
YOU ARE WHAT YOU IS

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
Robbie, take me to Greek Town!

ENSEMBLE:
AN' THAT'S ALL IT IS

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
I'm harder than yer husband; Harder than yer husband!

ENSEMBLE:
YOU ARE WHAT YOU IS

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
I'm goin' down to White Street, to the Mudd Club, y'all!

ENSEMBLE:
AN' THAT'S ALL IT IS

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
I'm goin' down 'n work the wall! 'N work the floor

ENSEMBLE:
YOU ARE WHAT YOU IS

SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON:
'N work the pipe, 'N work the wall some more!

ENSEMBLE:
AN' THAT'S ALL IT IS

we'd now like to conduct a short anthropological examination of some of the mating habits and courtship practices characteristic of modern culture, especially pertaining to the upper social classes.

https://vocaroo.com/i/s0CVXMZaKFWc

Honey honey hey
Baby don't you want a man like me
Honey honey hey
Baby don't you want a man like me
He was the Playboy Type (he smoked a pipe)
His fav'rite phrase was "OUTA-SITE!"
He had an Irish Setter
It was a singles bar, a Tuesday night
The moon was dim, the band was tight
They did the Bump together
What a splendid sight, her teeth were white
The drinks were cheap (it was Ladies Nite)
He was glad that he met her
She was an office girl (her name was Betty)
Her fav'rite group was HELEN REDDY
(They discussed the weather)

[CHORUS REPEAT]

She was a lonely sort, just a little too short
Her jokes were dumb and her fav'rite sport
Was hockey (in the winter)
He was duly impressed and was quick to suggest
Any sport with a PUCK had to be 'bout the best
As he jabbed his elbow in her (get it honey?)
Later on they went off to where the music was soft.
The candles were drippy, they saw a REAL HIPPY
Who delivered their dinner
The rice was brown, and soon they found
That the crowd around that had jammed the room,
Well it seemed to be getting thinner

[CHORUS REPEAT]

He took her home to a motor court
She wouldn't kiss him, he tried to ignore it,
But it made him angry!
He called her a slut, a pig and a whore
A bitch and a cunt and she slammed the door
In a petulant frenzy!
On the sofa she weeps
BOO HOO HOO HOO
She weeps and she weeps
BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO
She weeps and she peeps
Through the curtain
He just got in his car
But the battery's dead
So he asks to use the phone
And she gives him some head
And that's the end of the story

[CHORUS REPEAT]